what i would give to turn the clock around. i woke up this morning feeling like a failure. after reaching up at my cell phone to see what time it was, i unwittingly glanced at my notebook, on which my cell phone rested, with my previous grades and courses. yes, failure indeed. no shower or warm toast and coffee could dissipate that feeling. the hot shower is down the drain, the toast in my belly and the coffee is cold and lackluster but the feeling remains alive and stronger than ever. will it ever go away or will i stay unmoved and unchanged? my mood and the weather are one in the same: cold, dark, overcast.

but it shouldn't be too hard! this is the quarter that i stop disappointing myself and my parents. but is it? i'm half way through but things aren't how i want them to be. i'm never focused enough, i never try hard enough, i never am enough. even if it works out this time, is it too little too late? are my dreams out the door? what are my dreams though? they change and shift every week. my dreams are the true chameleon.


i miss her. i hate taking about her in the past tense. i have to keep telling myself it's only natural and we're all living on borrowed time. logic and reason don't overcome emotion and feeling though.

hopefully my classes and the amount of reading will keep me busy. i'm taking a chinese history class, a chinese/japanese history seminar (less than ten people in this class and it's primarily discussion based so not doing the reading will be obvious!), and an english class this quarter. i'm pretty excited about my classes this quarter. hopefully i didn't set myself up for failure, again, with the amount of reading and writing workload.